i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
The power of my boobs compel you
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
