Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
