I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
