i can't believe i had my finger in that
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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