the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Randomize
