Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
