I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
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