I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I need a hoe opinion
go on
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
