I want to walk on stilts...naked
They should really pass out barf bags in church
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
