Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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