You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Randomize
