The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
I did not marry a roomba.
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