"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
And my parents said I crawled through the house
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
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