I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Randomize
