Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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