the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Randomize
