So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
