why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
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