Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
