so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
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