she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
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