my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
