Where did you get a picture of my penis
forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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