paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
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