i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
I can't put those talents on a resume
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
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