My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
