my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Randomize
