True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
