Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
