i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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