I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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