Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Randomize
