I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Randomize
