I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
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