me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize