hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Randomize
