I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
im drinking this country out of the recession.
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Randomize
