why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
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