So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
