I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
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