Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
there was a trapeze. enough said
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
did i walk over a car last night?
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
Randomize
