I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
