I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Randomize
