I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
