New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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