White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
