hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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