just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Randomize
