If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
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