This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Randomize
