I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
