Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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