If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
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