Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
Randomize
