i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
