im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
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