hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Randomize
