You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
