Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
Randomize
